A cool friend that you can have mind-blowing sex with, sext relentlessly, but with no strings attached – where do I sign up? A [married] friends with benefits relationship may sound like a dream, but not only are they challenging to get into, they are also very difficult to keep.
Heck, people partaking in married friends with benefits relationships will encounter additional challenges. Will she tell my significant other about our side relationship? Will I be able to handle the guilt? What will happen if and when things with my married friends with benefits go south? There are so many tricky situations you can find yourself in.
I’m not going to stand on a moral soapbox and tell you that affairs are bad, because let’s face it, that’s essentially what a married friends with benefits is – an affair. Romance involved or not, your actions are probably hurtful and harmful to your current marriage (assuming it’s a monogamous relationship). You aren’t just watching Netflix or playing volleyball with this person. You’re exploring each other’s anatomy. That’s pretty personal, and some serious bonding.
You either know what you’re doing is potentially hurtful to your spouse or you don’t, and nothing I can say would change that.
This has to start within you.
The [married] friends with benefits key points I talk about below will hopefully give you an understanding as to why men and women engage in friends with benefits relationships, how you can prevent your significant other from connecting with a friends with benefits, and tips on how to handle your own friends with benefits relations.
Most people engage in friends with benefits relationships as a way to spice up their lives – sex isn’t the driving factor. The “fun” or “thrill” of the whole relationship is the driving factor behind a friends with benefits relationship, especially between married people. Great sex, while very important, is only an added bonus.
How To Be Friends With Benefits With Someone
1. Find The Right Friend With Benefits
Typically, friends with benefits relationships allow for both parties to enjoy casual sex and play without getting emotionally attached to one another. While staying “just friends” may seem easy, it is actually the leading cause of failure in standard friends with benefits relationships.
If you follow these simple friends with benefits rules, I’m certain that both you and your friend will have an excellent no-strings-attached relationship in which neither person ultimately gets hurt.
Don’t put yourself in a sticky spot later by choosing a poor friend with benefits now. Here are a few of the most common characteristics among people who participate in friends with benefits relationships:
- The Person Is Not A “Stage 5 Clinger” — Most friends with benefits relationships end once one person begins to fall for the other, since at that point it’s not even an friends with benefits relationship anymore. “Stage 5 Clingers” are people who do not have many friends of their own, do not have much else going on, and people who have crushed on you in the past. It may sound harsh, but these are not the people you want to be having casual sex with.
- You Like The Other Person — I mean why would you sleep with them if you didn’t like them anyways? But by “like” the other person, I mean that you should like them enough to sleep with them, but not enough to introduce them to your friends and family. Jeez, that sounds ruthless doesn’t it?
- The Person Is Open — Not only should this person be single, but this person should also be “down for anything”. The kind of person you want for your next friends with benefits relationship should be easy going, carefree, adventurous, and most importantly, mentally stable. Bonus points if she is an absolute freak in bed.
- The Person Is Outside Of Your Social Network — As rude as it may sound, you are not taking this girl home to meet your parents – you’re taking her to your bedroom, then right back outside. If you have a friends with benefits relationship with one of your close friends, colleagues, classmates, or anyone else that you see on a routine basis, you’ll have your fair share of awkward encounters once the relationship comes to an end. No, seriously – pick someone outside of your spiderweb of friends and stop the problems before they start.
- The Person Is Great In Bed — Friends with benefits relationships are strictly for good sex, why spoil it on a girl who lays like a starfish, or a guy with a quick trigger? Not only will you have more fun with a freak in bed, but you’ll pick up a few tricks for the next time you are in bed with someone you are trying to slap the franchise tag on.
2. Follow Friends With Benefits Rules
Friends with benefits relationships seem easy enough right? No dinners, gifts, parties, awkward family dinners, etc. So why is that many friends with benefits relationships end so horrifically? Why aren’t they as “dreamy” as the movies make them out to be?
Read these friends with benefits rules and you’ll quickly find out why most of these relationships end on a bad note.
- Flirt — Do you have your eye on a potential partner? Don’t sugarcoat it. Give them a few obvious compliments and gestures in order to show that you are interested. Don’t be a weirdo though, deep-throating gestures will only scare her away, and get yourself slapped with a restraining order. Remember, you aren’t trying to marry her, you’re just trying to mount her.
- Set Up Some Rules — Both of you should make it clear that you not looking for a relationship, you’re just looking to have some fun. You should also determine an end point (ex. when one person gets too attached). Lastly, don’t see each other too often, you may as well date if you are going to meet up every night.
- Have Sex — Make sure that the other person is clear on the whole “I’m not looking for a relationship” vibe you should already be giving off.
- Do Not Fall In Love — If you find yourself falling for your friend with benefits, stop and think about why you even started this relationship in the first place. This is the most essential friends with benefits rule!
- Don’t Text, Sext — Following up on the rules above, don’t cause confusion by texting your insignificant other about how your day was. A quick scroll through your conversation history should reveal a plethora of racy pictures, suggestive texts, or anything else that you probably wouldn’t want your grandparents to see.
- Don’t Introduce Your Friend With Benefits To Anyone — What are you going to do if your friends with benefits becomes drinking buddies with your best friend? You’ll never hear the end of it if your actual friends become actual friends with your not-actual friend with benefits. Yikes, that could make things awkward.
- Do Not Get Jealous — If you meet someone else, be courteous and make sure to tell your friend with benefits. Similarly, if they have met someone that they like, by no means is it acceptable for you to get jealous. When you started this relationship, you specifically stated that you both were to continue pursuing other people.
- Do Keep Your Options Open — Like I’ve stated previously, your friends with benefits relationship should not limit who you see and when you see them. These kinds of relationships are temporary, not permanent.
3. Meet New People
The key advantage to being in a friends with benefits relationship is that you can still keep your options open and play the field. Keep your flirt game on point and start a conversation with the person at the other end of the bar, the curly haired cutie on the elliptical machine, or the girl in line behind you at the grocery store.
Your side relationship should not keep you tied down – don’t just sit around and wait for your friend with benefits to shoot you a text. Make sure you keeping being you!
Married Friends With Benefits
Interestingly enough, many married friends with benefits relationships are between two married people, not just one married man or woman and another single individual.
Married friends with benefits are usually like this because there becomes a certain level of trust between each party to “keep it their secret” since both could cripple each others existing marriage with a single phone call.
Like regular friends with benefits relationships, people in married friends with benefits relationships follow the same set of rules, but with a few limitations. For example, a married person may have difficulties keeping their options open when, well, they already have multiple partners.
But let’s just make one thing clear, unless you are in a polyamorous relationship, being in a married friends with benefits relationship is effectively an affair.
Rather than try and explain further myself, he is an excellent explanation I came across from a blogger named Josie on SheSaidHeSaidScoop’s Tumblr:
“Sex with someone you’re not supposed to be having sex with is very often mind-blowing. When we’re doing something naughty, our adrenaline and other excitement-related brain chemicals are raised and our senses become heightened. Every touch is magnified, every kiss feels doubly electric.
But it’s not the great bond between the two of you that’s necessarily creating that, it’s the chemicals your brain is being flooded with in association with the sense of doing something bad, the fear of being caught, and the newness of the person that is creating the mind-blowing sensation.
Best advice I’ve ever heard about affairs is this: As fun as an affair may seem when you’re in it, take it all the way to the end. Don’t just imagine the sex or (in cases other than yours) the romance. Imagine your partner finding out, telling your kids (if you have any), breaking up, dividing up assets, your family and your spouse’s family finding out.
It’s sobering, but it’s reality.”
Furthermore, if that’s not enough to deter you, here is what Eli from SheSaidHeSaidScoop had to say on the topic.
“When having an affair, the risk and the newness of your indiscretions are hypnotizing. Meaning, it’s easy to see what you stand to gain – mind-blowing sex in your case. But what’s more difficult to see is what you stand to lose – a committed spouse who supports your dreams and visions on a daily basis, takes care of you when you’re sick, and helps you to be the best you you can be. Of course all of this depends on the kind of relationship you and your spouse have.
Regardless, if you want emotionless, mind-blowing sex with you FWB, keep it up. If you want to work on your marriage, go for that. Just remember, you can’t have your cake, and play with its genitals too.”
It is for this reason that I’d encourage anyone with a desire to engage in a married friends with benefits relationship to discuss the topic of monogamous and polyamorous relationships with their significant other.
How To Prevent Cheating
Sexual infidelity is linked to those with strong interests in sex, low relationship satisfaction, and weaker common network ties. That being said, here’s how you can use this information to strengthen your relationship or marriage and erase the thought of infidelity from even crossing your partner’s mind:
- Fulfill Your Partner’s Needs — If your significant other has everything she needs at home, then the likelihood of her cheating will diminish. For example, ask you partner about their fantasies and make sure to share your own. Because after all, intimacy in relationships occurs when communication lines remain open. But sex isn’t the only need your parter has in a marriage or relationship. Your relationship will flourish when you are there for each other on all levels – physical, emotional, psychological, etc.. Take care of each other and your relationship satisfaction will undoubtedly rise.
- Strengthen Your Ties — Make your relationship inseparable by getting to know your girlfriend’s friends, family, and coworkers. Building relationships with people your girlfriend is close with will make it more challenging and less appealing for her to seek out a friends with benefits relationship. And if by some chance you catch her sleeping with with a mutual friend, remove yourself from the situation entirely – you are too good for her.
Coping With Infidelity & Cheating
According to Truth and Deception, “the pain and shock of discovering a partner’s infidelity can be one of life’s most traumatic events. As such, it should come as no surprise that it often takes several years for couples to effectively repair a relationship after infidelity comes to light.” Here are some things to consider when coping with infidelity:
- You Can Mend The Relationship — Many couples are able to recover from infidelity and can develop a stronger relationship with more intimacy and closeness. Several factors influence how successful couples are at saving a relationships after an affair including the quality of the relationship prior to the discovery of infidelity, both partner’s commitment to making a relationship work, effective communication skills, and counseling are critical to successful recovery.
- Serial Cheating Vs. One Night Stand — Serial cheating is much more difficult to resolve than a one-time affair as it is often linked to personality characteristics, which can be very difficult to change.
- 3 Stages Of Dealing With Infidelity — Dealing with infidelity will be challenging and painful, yet extremely beneficial for your psyche moving forward. Here are the three stages of dealing with infidelity according to Truth and Deception:
- Trauma Of Discovery — The initial shock of discovering an affair and the uncertainty it creates, often leads to the following reactions: depression, anger, shame, obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the details of the affair, inability to concentrate, and monitoring a spouse’s every move. The best way to deal with these initial reactions is to discuss one’s feelings in a supportive, non judgmental environment. An environment where someone will simply listen without offering knee-jerk reactions or advice.
- Relational Trajectory — After the initial shock has subsided, it helps to make an assessment of how both partners want to resolve the problem. Is there a genuine concern, expressed by both parties, to try and save the relationship? Or is one side ambivalent about how they feel or confused about what they want to do? If so, how will this ambivalence get resolved? To save a relationship after infidelity, it requires two people working toward the same goal. Again, individual counseling is often useful for couples who are ambivalent about their feelings or are uncertain about the future of their relationship. In some cases, a post-nuptial agreement may be worth considering. Is a cheating spouse willing to demonstrate his or her commitment to the relationship by putting their financial assets on the line?
- Repairing A Relationship & Restoring Trust — If both parties decide that they want to try and save their marriage, the next phase is the most difficult. To begin with, it requires understanding the motivation underlying the affair and taking steps to change the factors which led the unfaithful partner to cheat. In addition to identifying the motivation underlying the affair, it is essential to candidly discuss the details of what happened. Again, most cheating spouses attempt to hide the details of the affair, thinking that telling the truth will only lead to more problems. But, concealing the details of the affair, often leads to lingering questions, which if not addressed, are unlikely to go away on their own. And if questions linger, it can be nearly impossible for a spouse not to dwell on the incident. Revealing the truth can be painful, but it is necessary when trying to move forward.